Sunday, July 10, 2005

Ole' Two Sticks...chickoo, chickoo, chickoo


So, here I am on vacation (visiting the family). I'm finding it very difficult to stick to my healthy eating, but it hasn't been too bad so far. I was also worried about having a place to pump my guns, but in fact, just this morning, I was given a free gym membership for the length of my stay. Sweet biscuits! I think they were intimidated by my left bicep. Anyway, as I was leaving the house today with plans of leisurely sports bra shopping, I saw "the guy who lives across the street". Apparently his cognitive faculties have been on the decline the last few years, and he has taken up a new hobby. On a clear day he can be spotted standing under his lovely magnolia tree muttering insults at the neighborhood squirrels. And he has cycled through various weapons in pursuit of their destruction, I am told. First, it was a harmless water hose. The squirrels could be spotted laughing. Next, he took up a hammer, flinging it wildly into the tree, until one day, the hammer, succumbing to the forces of gravity and poor aim, came down upon his head. More squirrel laughter. Now it seems that he prefers the "two stick" method. What does that mean?, you may ask. Well, apparently you need a metal pipe approximately 16 inches long, 2 inches in diameter, as well as the broken end of a broom handle. (You must also go into the fray bare feet wearing a wife beater.) Once these items have been procured, you must face the evil squirrels and rub the 2 sticks together as to lull them into a false sense of security. When the squirrels are quite hypnotized, you make your attack by first throwing one stick quickly followed by another. Note that this does nothing to rid the yard of squirrels, but it may at least give them something to think about. As for the guy across the street, I can't help wondering if I should stop rooting for him. After all, Thoreau said, "The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest." Although, it does sound like a great upper body workout. By the way, I didn't find a sports bra. O well.

1 Comments:

Blogger P. McCready said...

What a story! I'm quite sure he must be a rather entertaining old chap! For you that is, not the squirrels.

I am unsure as to whether you read my previous comments, particularly the one regarding my new business venture, but I should like to attempt a transaction with you once more.

Should “the guy who lives across the street” ever find his mark, which would of course be most unfortunate for the little tree beasts, I should love to have some of this squirrel hair! They are not the easiest beasts to extract fur from, as these tree rodents prove largely uncooperative. Tell me, just what color are these squirrels? You see, I try to have as much variety as possible in my handbags and such, incorporating many different colors, textures, and even the occasional scent. I am not advocating the demise of these poor little tree creatures, mind you. However, it would be most advantageous to receive such fur in good condition – not harmed by a hunter’s bullet for example. Once again, I always look first for live subjects; however, it would be such a pity if the little buggers die in vain…should “the guy who lives across the street” ever find his mark that is. I would do the fur-removal procedure myself of course; I shan’t ever be so bold as to ask this of anyone else…though it is not that difficult a procedure, even for the inexperienced.

If this is too much to ask, which I suppose I could forgive you for, I have one other request. You mentioned your shaving habit in a previous post. Would it be within reason to ask you to save your clippings for me? I do believe that you could prove to be a great asset to Hirsute Handbags. What with a name like “fuzzyelf,” you could be one of my most prominent donors! You see, I am starting a new line of merchandise. Though I have not yet settled on a name, I am thinking of something along the lines of “Hirsute Hippie Handbags: For the Love of Hair.” What do you think?

I realize that you did not respond to me before, but I do so wish that we may do business together. Perhaps it was a mere oversight?

Oh, and how is that furry little rascal of yours? Once again, it would be such a treat to have clippings from this lovely specimen! Please do reconsider.

Toodleoo, and please do consider my requests. I was quite distraught when first you failed to reply. Once again, good show on the exercise regime!

2:48 PM  

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