A Word about Tanning

Me, I glow in the dark. Always have. I tried getting sun when I was younger, but it usually just got me good and burned. And now they say the sun is evil anyway, so...
I have for years been OK with being milky white, but now that I find I'd like to see a little more definition in these muscles I'm working so hard for, I'm yearning again, to be darker. I'm really quite afraid of self tanner products as well, because I've seen the hideous results on others. But a while back I started using the Jergen's gradual lotion, Natural Glow. Here's how I used it and what happened. The first time I used it, I didn't exfoliate. Big mistake. My ankles and toes looked dirty. So what ya gotta do is: Soak in the bath for at least 20 minutes, then use a sea-salt scrub or apricot scrub EVERYWHERE that you're gonna apply the lotion. Rinse, of course. Then pat dry (don't rub). Then, with superhero speed and precision, apply it like you would any other lotion. You can do this with your bare hands as long as you wash them as soon as you're done "putting the lotion on itself". Then, and this is important, you must stand around naked until you're dry. It doesn't take long (5-10 minutes), but it does make the whole thing feel like a big production and time sink. It's totally worth it though, because you get a really soft, warm, even color the next morning. Now, if you are as white as I am, after 2 weeks, no one but you will even notice you've done all this. And that's because you won't be darker - you'll just have a little color. So, then you'll want to go out and buy the next darker shade and keep going. Some people have complained about a weird smell using the stuff, but I don't get it. It certainly doesn't smell like my Sarah Jessica Parker Lovely lotion, but it doesn't smell like diesel fuel either. So anyway, having done all that, I've now gone 2 weeks without using anything, and sad to report, back to zero and blinding small children in the noon-day sun. SO, I'm trying to decide on starting all over again OR paying some stranger at the local froo-froo salon to airbrush me with a special shade chosen just for me....I'll let ya know how it goes, of course, if I decide to do it. In the meantime, I would definitely recommend the Jergen's Natural Glow. Yes, yes, we should all love ourselves the way we are, yadda yadda yadda...I just want to look ripped in my pictures...is that so wrong?