As Gilda Radner used to say, "It's always somethin'." I've been sick as a dog this week. Like I-want-my-momma kinda sick. It started with insomnia. When I did sleep, I had terrible dreams of breaking my neck in a car accident and then being beaten up by two really fat naked guys. Then came the upset stomach, sore throat and dry cough. I tried really hard not to go to the doctor because my insurance at work hasn't kicked in yet, and I knew I'd have to lay out some cash. But I figured I probably had the bird flu, so I broke down, went to the doctor, shelled out the money, and got me some antibiotics for what the doctor called a "massive sinus infection". That's code for bird flu. I'm sick, but I'm not stupid.
I've missed four days of work total, but sadly, the worst part of this ordeal may be that I have gotten myself hooked on
Jamba Juice again!!!
Their website says they have stores in about 30 states here in the U.S., so some of you may not know what Jamba Juice is...let me enlighten you. Jamba Juice is basically a chain "restaurant" that serves really expensive, delicious, "healthy" fruit smoothies and shakes and what-not. The what-not being tiny shots of grass juice. The hook is that everything on the menu is supposed to be healthy in some form or another. Some of their drinks are supposed to boost your immune system. Some of them are meant to provide the drinker with boundless energy.
It works like this: You enter the store and stand in line forever (about 20 minutes) while being subjected to the most irritating pop musak you ever heard (think Brittany Spears). Just when you think your ears are going to bleed and you're contemplating leaving, you've reached the front of the line, and they ask for your order. It is at this point you are offered a "boost". They even give you the first boost for free.
Boosts are mysterious powders they put in your drink to make you think you're doing something good for yourself. It's a little somethin-somethin to wash all that sugar down with. They have plain old protein and fiber boosts. But they also have some really vague ones like energy boost and femme boost. hmmm....cocaine and estrogen, maybe? I always order the same thing: Peach Pleasure with fiber and burner, Xtra thick, well-blended, please and thank you. It's not that I think I need more fiber and some weirdo fat-burning substance, but I've played around with the different boost-tastes, and I'm fairly certain that the protein boost is just past-dated foot powder. After you put your order in, they've got you. You just mill about in the store for another half hour muttering to yourself and avoiding all the other grumpy people waiting for their fixes. Then they not only call out your name, very loudly, but they also call out your exact order, boosts and all. So I always imagine the other customers staring at me and whispering to eachother, "She doesn't look fat, that burner boost must really work, but the fiber? Poor thing must be constipated..." You then exit the store as quickly as possible.
When I first moved to California, the smoothie was a way for me to get in meals when I was too busy. I was hooked before I knew it. Soon, I was getting more than one a day. I purchased both the plastic refillable jug and the vanity plate that read: Powered by Jamba Juice. I didn't suspect I had a problem until my favorite Jamba boy, Chad, said to me one day, "Weren't you here earlier?" And I said, "This one's for a friend." He knew that I knew that he knew, but nothing more was said. The next day, I went to 3 different stores, so I wouldn't be recognized. Then, I got someone else to get me the 4th one. I wish I was kidding. Then a friend suggested I figure out how much money I was spending on my little habit. It was somewhere around 300$ a month!!! Oh, the shame. So, I kicked the habit. Cold turkey. Just like that. I'm pretty sure that when I was on that binge, I gained at least 10 lbs.
But here I find myself again...it starts so innocently..."Ya know, my throat hurts real bad, probably some Jamba Juice would soothe me..." So what? So I needed a little comfort food. Besides, I *am* feeling much better. Maybe it's the antibiotics, or maybe the cure for the bird flu is just down the street at your local Jamba Juice.
